My Dom has been away, working hard as ever, but this was our longest time apart since we met – a seemingly endless 8 days. In addition our relationship is still pretty new, so it was tough on us both. I didn’t cope with his absence very well, and have been struggling to articulate how it made me feel.
I also wanted to talk to him about my feelings before I posted, as one of his stipulations on agreeing to my having this blog (and it’s a good one that I wholeheartedly agree with) is that it must never become a means for me to communicate with him. I can pour out my inner thoughts here, but they will always be things he is aware of, that we have discussed together.
Right now I feel disappointed in myself, and I know he is a little disappointed in me too, which is a thousand times worse. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t go wildly off the rails, I didn’t run amok or do anything to make him ashamed of me. I just lost my way some.
He was so good before he went, reassuring me endlessly that this was just one of those things. Our relationship was strong, he would stay in touch by email as much as he could, I wasn’t to worry or feel insecure. He would be thinking about me while he was away, and would miss me as much as I would miss him. He did all those things too, short mails to say good morning, funny pictures or anecdotes from his journey, small tasks to keep me motivated & focussed. I really can’t see how he could have done any more, and I feel badly that I let him down, when I was the one comfortable at home.
I was doing fine for the most part too, the first several days I managed to stay up beat, focussed, worked on my blog & a couple of other things he had asked me to do. But as time went on I found it harder & harder to keep it up. I just felt so rootless, aimless, ungrounded, lonely, unfocussed, restless, unmotivated, deprived & generally just blah!
I tried not to let it show, though who am I kidding, he knows me too damn well! He’s used to his bubbly, irreverent, chattering, happy sub, and instead he got short changed, and I’m so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t do better for him. It also hit me rather hard that I already need him so much. A huge part of our dynamic is that he protects me, nurtures me, takes care of me & guides me, and god how I love that so much! This brought home to me though, that I am still working on letting myself go, letting myself trust & rely on him, and my own reaction to his not being here scares me a bit.
Not because I don’t trust him, because I do. Not because I don’t think I can rely on him to take care of me, because I can & he does it wonderfully. I guess because it is scary, entrusting your heart to somebody; letting yourself rely on them to be your guide, your rock, your lover, your teacher, your anchor, your friend, your support.. in short…your Dom.
He isn’t upset with me, he hasn’t punished me, he’s just been his usual wonderful self. Talked to me about what was going on in my head, expressed a little disappointment, and told me we would work together so that next time he has to go away I cope better.
So here I am, climbing out of a bit of a mental black hole, with him pulling on my hand & telling me I can do it, that he’ll help me, that he’s there for me, that he believes in me. I’ll take the hand he’s holding out to me, and I will do it, because I can do it..for him.