It was one of those early morning emails, that I read when half asleep. I always reach for my phone before my eyes are fully open, to see if there is mail from Sir. I read it through a couple of times, blinking & rubbing my eyes (I’m not a morning person…). He wanted to know about love…..
“Tell me about, Love. What is it, how do you know its there, how does it make you act and feel? How is it different, a person loves a family member, a child, a sexual or/and a life partner?”
Hmmm, I think to myself, just a small question then Sir, nothing too in depth….. I should mention at this point that I adore the tasks my Dom sets me, especially the ones that really set my brain whirring & require lots of thought. But even I was a little daunted by this one. How on earth does one describe love? I thought about it on & off for a few days. It would pop into my head at odd moments, so I’d find myself contemplating love while soaking in the bath, or loading the dishwasher.
I talked it over with him a couple of times, told him I was having some difficulty knowing where to start. He suggested I start with one experience of love & let it flow from there. Still I hesitated though, not sure how to describe something so intangible. Until the night he was making an overseas trip & I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about him at 30,000 feet… so I opened a bottle of wine & settled down & started to write. Whether it was my somewhat sentimental mood, or the wine, or a bit of both the words eventually came to me.
Here is what I wrote.
Where to even start on this one? So intangible, so elusive, so amazing, so confusing, so wonderful.
I guess I’ll start with the purest & most obvious love I have ever experienced, the love I feel for my daughter. I can still remember so vividly now the moment she was born. They put her on my tummy, and I felt a rush of fierce, pure love. I knew right then I’d die for her in a heartbeat, and kill for her too. I wrapped my arms around her, so tiny & perfect, and cried & cried. That love hasn’t really changed too much over time, only developed as her personality became obvious. So it’s more than the instinctive love I felt for her as a baby, but a love for the person she is too. I am fiercely protective of her, seeing her hurt, or anyone being mean to her makes me see red. People talk about there being a ‘Mama Bear’ thing, well for me there is. She’ll always be my ‘cub’ and I’ll protect her as such.
Then there’s my family, which really only consists of Mum & Dad. No siblings, a few cousins that I’m not close to. I was always so conscious that there were just the 3 of us, before my daughter came along of course, and when they went I would be alone. That’s quite a scary feeling.
I think the love of a child for parents is one that changes so much as you grow. It’s an instinctive thing for a young child, then it is questioned so much as a teen (especially if you’re a horrible one like I was) Then as you get older you become more conscious of your parents’ frailties. I remember when I really developed a grown up relationship with my Dad. It was when he had heart surgery in the nineties. I still lived in London, and came home for a week to be with him, so Mum could go back to work. We’d get in the car (me driving) and go out for lunch to country pubs. And we talked. No “I’ll get your Mum” when I called, but him & I, talking.
With that age, and that developing relationship as peers, as opposed to parent & child came a different sort of love. My Mum is my friend too. She’s still a Mama Bear about me, but we talk as adults. The recognition of them ageing has brought a new element to the love I feel for them, and that’s a more protective thing, and fear for them too. I panic over them being safe, worry about them how I never recall doing when I was younger. I appreciate them more, their wisdom, what they do for me, what they have done & been through in their lives.
One of the most beautiful things I’ve seen is their love for my daughter, particularly my father. Dad is a typical dour Yorkshireman. He’s very quiet, and never really shows his feelings. But when she was born I saw a side to him that filled me with amazement, and with joy. It was like he could let out all the feelings I know he has inside him, and shower her with love. I don’t doubt his love of me for an instant, but he shows it in unobtrusive ways. With my daughter it’s blatant, tactile, open, affectionate. It’s so lovely to watch.
Then we come to love for a partner. Looking back I think I have been ‘in love’ 3 times over the years, and it has been different with each one. There have been a couple of other relationships that were good, where I had strong feelings for the man I was with, but it wasn’t love as I define it. It can be good still, without love, as long as you’re both in the same place so there aren’t unequal expectations.
Again, like love for a parent or child, I think romantic love goes through stages too. That first realisation, that rush of emotion, that yearning to be with them every second of the day. The way your heart leaps when you see them. The smile you can’t hide when you think of them. The tingles you feel at their voice, their touch, the scent of their skin. How you hang on their every word, drinking them in, every scrap of information precious as you expand your knowledge of them. The goofy, dreamy way you talk to your friends about them, that makes them roll their eyes at you & say ‘oh you have it bad….’
If the relationship gets past the first wild emotional rush, the love grows & deepens. It might become less exciting, fewer heart stopping moments, but also fewer ups & downs. It becomes something you can rely on, something constant in your life, Something that gives you strength when you need it, comfort, safety. You want to please them, their happiness becomes essential to your own happiness. You worry about their well being & safety. You cry over their pain, because it is your pain too. You still miss them desperately when you’re apart, but you do so with the confidence that they will be back.
They become your rock, the other half of you. The person you actually want to be with & speak to every day. The person you can be grumpy with, but know they will still love your grumpy ass. The person you can cry at sad movies with, and they won’t think you’re silly. The person you can share your secret dreams with, and your darkest fears, safe in the knowledge they will only love you more for sharing with them. You can royally fuck up, and they will have your back against the world, and if it was them you fucked up with they will forgive you. You’ll put them first before anything or anybody else, as they will put you first.
How do you know it’s love you feel & not just ‘strong feelings’ whatever they may be….? I can’t really answer that other than say you just know. When I started to think back over past relationships, I realised that the times I felt I had been in love I still think so now. Yes, that love has passed for one reason or another, but it doesn’t take away from what I felt. As I said I’ve had a couple of longish (6 month +) relationships that weren’t about love. But I’ve had at least one shorter one that was.
As for what love makes us do? (Funny as I typed that it made me think of a song I have loved for years, “What You Won’t Do For Love” by Bobby Caldwell, listening to it now as I finish writing this.) Love makes us do things we’d never believe we could not only do, but do willingly, because we do them for someone we love.
They don’t even have to big things, as the saying goes, it’s the little things…. learning to cook something because he says he likes it. Standing on the touchlines week after week freezing your ass off & trying to work out the rules of rugby. Curling up on the sofa with a blanket because you hate the bed without them in it. Staying with his parents who drive you slightly nuts. Setting your alarm 2 hours early so you can spend some time with him. Searching for hours for a particular item because you know how much he’ll love it. Keeping every little note or card or silly gift he ever gave you, because they make you smile so much. Passing the remote over with good grace & not pouting so he can watch his team play. Doing something you really don’t want to do because it will make them happy. Bouncing with happiness when you have a surprise for them because you can’t wait to see their face. Sleeping in their t shirt when they’re not there because it smells sooo good……
I could go on, and on, and on….. but I think you get the picture?
I haven’t even touched on how any of this might be different for a D/s couple. I suppose in some ways it won’t be any different, all those things will apply still, but you’ll have another deeper layer wrapped around it all. The absolutely massive level of trust that goes to form the bond between a Dom and his sub can only make it stronger, more intense. I can’t speak for the sub population in general, only for me, but I think a sub loving her Dom is inevitable.
We open up every tiny corner of our hearts & minds. We expose our darkest fears, our deepest feelings, our greatest longings. We make ourselves totally vulnerable when we do this. We open up both emotionally & ultimately physically too, we take a massive leap of faith in that one man who is our focus. As he does in us too.
How could we do all that & not love him? And how could he not love us back?