When you think about all the things that have to come together for a successful D/s match it rather amazes me that they happen at all, let alone for so many people. Taking just the ‘vanilla’ aspects into consideration there are so many factors to consider, before you even start in on the kinky stuff.
Do you have shared interests? The mundane stuff that makes up every day life, the things that keep you both interested & connected outside of the times you’re naked & tied up. Do you share similar aims & goals in life. How about your values, political views, approach to family & friendships? Do you like the same type of books? Will your passion for medieval history bore the pants off him? How about his obsession with action movies? You may be explosively compatible in the bedroom, but these little things will de-rail the most passionate of lovers over time. I don’t believe couples have to share all their interests, but some common ground, and a healthy serving of tolerance is essential.
Then we need to add to the basic compatibility the ‘complications’ of our D/s needs. These fall into 2 major categories for me, the ‘style’ of D/s you both need/want/enjoy, and then the kink factor. In my experience the latter tends to get more attention than it deserves at the outset, when really the former is the key one.
Over the last several years I’ve come to a pretty clear idea on the type of Dom I wanted, the style of domination that would work for me, give me what I need & bring out the best in me for him. On the flip side I also learned what type of Dom I could never submit to. There are so many different facets to D/s and what may work for many, certainly won’t work for all.
For example I’m not a big fan of high protocol. I can respect others’ need for it, and pleasure in it, but I find it all a bit silly & irritating. I’m also a bit on the loquacious side to say the least, or ‘a gobby mare’ as Sir puts it so eloquently. I always have an opinion on something, along with a million questions. Luckily for me my Dom doesn’t want a very ‘yes Sir, no Sir’ sort of sub, and welcomes the endless questions, as long as they respectfully asked, and he listens to my opinions too.
These are the big elements that make my relationship with Sir work so well for me, and I think for him too. We share a common vision of how D/s will work for us. He’s the Dom I always imagined, but I wasn’t sure existed, I daren’t believe I would find, let alone that he would want me. That one person among so many who fits so well with me, what are the odds we’d find each other?
Then we come to the kink, the fetish factor if you like. There’s probably more room for compromise in this area than the last one, but with the vast array of activities that fall under the general heading of BDSM how likely are we to find our ‘checklists’ match up? The chances that his one ‘must have’ activity sends you screaming from the room in horror? Or that the thing that makes your toes curl up in delight makes him feel faint at the thought?
So of course we all compromise. But who does the compromising, and what on? It is overly simplistic to suggest the Dom will dictate & the sub will compromise. As a submissive I have, and will continue to, try things that he wants me to try, because it will please him & make him proud. Among these activities will be things I’d never do in a million years if it wasn’t for him, though none of them cross any major lines for me, or trigger that ‘ick’ factor.
However I’m certain there are things that Sir will need to compromise on in the future, and indeed already has, because he will place my welfare, development & needs high on his list of priorities. Luckily for us our interests seem to align pretty closely. The things I told him made me cringe, he had no interest in trying either, and similarly the things he talked about enjoying made me smile, and nod, with a little “mmm yes, me too…”
With such a myriad of factors coming into play when we seek our D/s match, it really is like finding a needle in a haystack. I’d love to hear what others think about this. How realistic is to think we’ll find that perfect match? How much compromising do you do before you’re essentially not you any more? Have you had an otherwise perfect match fall apart due to one major area of incompatibility?
Have a great day!