My Dom won’t be surprised to see me post about this subject, other than perhaps wondering why it hasn’t come up sooner. It’s been on my list of topics from the outset, but what finally made me sit down to write this post was this amazing and inspiring post on a blog I love:
She brought up something in her post that’s cropped up again & again for me over the years, the question of what makes a ‘real’ submissive.
It’s almost 6 years since I discovered my submissive side, but it’s been there my whole life. I can recall thoughts & feelings I had as a child, that tie into this element of me. Submission isn’t just sexual for me, though of course that’s part of it too. It goes so much deeper than that, and at times it’s so hard to put into words just how I feel, having submitted to my wonderful Dom, and what I get from that relationship.
Even if I could put those feelings into words, they wouldn’t be how another submissive would describe her own feelings on the subject. There will be similarities, things they might read, and smile & nod as I do reading other peoples’ blogs, recognising those feelings we share. Ultimately though we are all very different. Different people with different thoughts, feelings, and expectations. We will need different things from our submission, and have different things to offer to our partners. Every D/s relationship is truly unique, bringing together 2 people, and between them they will create something magical.
So with all that in mind, and sorry I did get off on a bit of a tangent, why, oh why are there people out there who will call into doubt our submissive nature.
“You’re not a real sub”
“You would do X if you were a real sub”
“Real subs like Y”
“You shouldn’t call yourself a sub, because you just refused to do Z that I demanded”
I’ve heard all of these & more over the last 6 years, and it is probably the thing that fires my blood like no other.
Who gets to make these judgements on us? Well in my case it has largely come from a random Dom or Master that didn’t like something I had to say. Perhaps it was during negotiations, when I raised a concern about one of their conditions, asking for clarity or saying I was unsure. Surely that’s what open communication & negotiation is all about…. discovering what each other’s needs/wants/desires from the relationship are? Then if you discover some enormous sticking point, you both walk away, realising the two of you aren’t compatible. Sadly that’s not always the case, it would be at that point I’d hear “well if you were a real sub you’d agree to ABC condition that I insist on”
The worst thing about some of these encounters is that no matter how much I knew intellectually that I was a ‘real’ submissive, they still managed to plant seeds of doubt in my mind. Made me question my own self, something so deep seated within me that I can’t be me without it, and they were trying to take that away from me! How dare they!
So here we are as submissives, by our very nature we want to love & respect our Dominant partners, we need to trust what they say & look up to them. What does it do to our self confidence, our very identity, when some Dominants will question our nature, because it doesn’t fit in with their views on what we should be. Just as every sub is different, so is every Dom. Good Doms will recognise, accept & nurture our unique qualities. Bad Doms will see them as a challenge to their ‘domly’ authority, if we don’t agree with them we must be wrong. (I am rolling my eyes so much even typing that!)
When I met my Dom I’d just had another of these experiences, and I was feeling very much lost as a result of it. I was deep into questioning & self doubt mode… Could he be right? Was I being unreasonable in refusing to accept his conditions? Would a ‘real’ submissive have immediately acquiesced, because it was what he wanted? Well it was a moot point where that particular Dom was concerned, because as soon as I raised my doubts he told me “you’re not a real sub at all” and cut off all contact. Which of course, we all know is a good thing, but damn it still hurt.
I talked to Sir about it a few weeks ago, and he gave me his take on it. Essentially the guy had painted himself into a corner, by making that one issue a hill to die on. Once he’d insisted & I refused he had nowhere left to go. My refusal immediately meant he couldn’t dominate me, I wasn’t obeying him (again – this was at the negotiation stage – we didn’t actually have a relationship). So instead of acting like a grown up, let alone a Dominant, who I hold to a higher standard than any other man, and accepting that we weren’t compatible, he had to strike back. It couldn’t be him that was wrong, so it had to be me, and to make himself feel better he lashed out at me.
I often read things online & think to myself ‘blimey I couldn’t do that’, or even ‘wow no way Sir would let me get away with that’, but I never, ever, ever think to myself ‘she’s not a real sub’. What I do think to myself is that she is submitting to her Dom in a way that pleases him, and brings her pleasure & fulfilment. And shouldn’t that be what it’s all about?
I no longer doubt myself, because I’ve been lucky enough to find the right Dom for me. He knows this whole issue of self doubt was something that preyed on my mind when we first met, and he reassures me daily how much of an amazing (and real) submissive I am to him.
Let’s face it, that’s all that really matters.