I’m an open book.
Once I open up to someone, I really open up. Now in D/s terms this is almost always a very good thing. As soon as I developed the trust in my Dom to open up to him I was able to share anything & everything with him. I can’t hide my thoughts & feelings, not that I want to, which leads to great communication between us.
I’m also a pretty emotional person. I think a lot of my friends would be shocked by that, as I mostly show them a very calm, laid back front. I’m the one they come to for advice, to help in a crisis, to offer support. The quiet, serious one who keeps her feelings to herself a lot. The truth is I’m very emotional. Intense emotions of any sort, happiness, sadness, relief etc make me cry. Quite frequently.
Now combine those 2 aspects of my personality with a Dom who is busy & distracted right now, and a bout of PMS & the result was a bit of a meltdown on my part.
The last week has been a pretty tough one for me. I made reference in THIS post to my Dom pushing my boundaries some, and testing me, by having me do something he knows is difficult for me. I was having a hard time processing my feelings about it all, and unfortunately he wasn’t around as much as normal to help me through it. I really struggled with the drop off in communication between us, as it is normally so great.
As a consequence of all these emotional ups & downs my scared girl side came out, kicking & screaming! I started to feel very insecure in our relationship, and as most of you reading this will know a D/s relationship takes a tonne of open, trusting communication to make it work. I tried to communicate how I was feeling to my Dom but I don’t think I did a very good job of it. I was upset, frustrated & quite honestly scared silly. As I talked about in the post referenced above, when I am scared I am not rational, I act purely on emotion.
So, the bratty side I am normally convinced I don’t possess at all, came out in a big way…. I got it into my head that my Dom had stopped caring about what I did, how I behaved & decided to test it out by deliberately provoking him. I stuck my tongue out at him. It might not sound like a huge deal, but it is something he had made very clear he won’t tolerate, and I knew it. When he asked me why I had done it, I told him quite honestly: “to see if you would bother punishing me for it Sir”.
Not smart at all.
He was furious, and very disappointed in me. He told me off, and made his displeasure & unhappiness with my behaviour very clear. Then he took a short while to think over what he wanted to do about it, before pronouncing my punishment.
Of course as soon as I had done the deed & realised just how annoyed he was with me I was gutted. I really hate disappointing him. I can imagine most of the submissives reading this will be nodding right now, recognising that pit of the stomach feeling we get knowing our Dom or Master is not happy with us. I have to be honest though, as he expressed his displeasure, and told me what my punishment would be, the over-riding emotion running through me was relief.
Relief that he did care about my behaviour. Relief that he hadn’t stopped expecting the best from me. Relief that he was still my Dom, I was still his sub, that he would demand I behave appropriately, and issue consequences when I didn’t. I want those consequences. I need the reassurance & security they bring me. I deeply regret disappointing him, especially by doing it in such a blatant & disrespectful way. Even as much as I regret my behaviour though, I am just so damned relieved….
What a week is has been, a real roller coaster ride.