I’ve done something for my Dom recently that I absolutely hate doing. In fact I did it twice, and I can’t decide how I feel about it.
The first time he told me to do it, and I was horribly uncomfortable. His praise & pleasure in me for obeying helped, but honestly not that much. I felt panicked, resentful & unhappy about it. He asked me where my focus was & I snapped back ‘on not calling yellow Sir’.
The second time he gave me a choice. I didn’t have to do it, he didn’t even infer that he’d be disappointed if I chose not to, but I knew he would be. I fought a silent, internal battle with myself & gritted my teeth & got on with it. I did it voluntarily to please him, and I bloody well hated it. All I could think was hurry up please, let me get this over with.
I am absolutely hating this about myself right now,
I can feel it creeping over me, the fear that manifests itself in horrible behaviour & a decidedly unpleasant & un-submissive attitude. Knowing it is happening, and that I’m behaving badly doesn’t seem to help me stop either. I pout, I’m defensive, I have a million snappy remarks in my head to hit out with, my eyes fill with tears. Worst of all I resented Sir for asking/wanting me to do it.
The crazy thing is, if you knew me, I’m really not the surly, snappy, bitchy type at all, and certainly never with my wonderful Dom. Yes, I pout rather a lot, but it’s normally a playful, teasing sort of pout, not this ‘brat not liking what she has to do’ pout. This response is all about fear, and I hate what it brings out of me, hate that it turns my head away from pleasing him. Instead it focuses my brain entirely on how I am feeling, how I don’t like this.
He knows it’s hard for me. I also know he appreciates that I do it for him despite how hard I find it. I do find some pleasure & satisfaction in knowing I am pleasing him by doing it too. But I have got to find a way to get past this horrible response it is bringing out of me. It’s making me very unhappy, way more so than what he is asking me to do, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I tell myself it is about his pleasure, and I do want so much to please him. I can rationalise it out in my head when I’m outside of the moment, tell myself it’s not so bad. But when I’m faced with it again, as I know I will be, the frightened girl will take over the head of the submissive.
I don’t want to be that frightened, snappy, sullen girl for him. I want to be his cherished, pleasing & obedient submissive, I want to do things for him with a willing heart because they please him & make him happy. The fact that he wants it & it pleases him should be enough for me, and I’m confused & unhappy because it’s not right now.
I know… I just need to get over myself, but right now it feels like such an uphill battle.